I cook a lot. But I really believe we parents need to be more honest with each other. Inside the front door, it gets ugly. And if we were all just a bit more honest, well, I think we all may be just a bit less crazy. I should add that in most grocery stores in the state of PA, we cannot buy beer, wine, or booze. That will need to be a separate list, I guess.
My Honest Grocery List
Applesauce: For the times when all of the fruit has gone uneaten and is now overly ripe. Or when you haven’t been to the store in a while. You will put this in your child’s school lunch so his/her teachers don’t judge you based on the fact that there is nothing from the fruit and/or vegetable group.
Baby Carrots: See above. They last forever.
Bananas: You need to buy these so you have an excuse to make banana bread in a few days after everyone (who says they love bananas) doesn’t eat them.
Brussel Sprouts: Even though your kids actually like them most times you cook them, they are a tremendous threat to hold over their heads when they are misbehaving at 5:00. They can also be a very convincing way to have your husband suggest takeout when you don’t feel like cooking.
Panko Bread Crumbs: Because this is how you cook fish.
Orange Juice: Because all you ever do is buy it and then head to the sink and pour out cups of it that are wasted.
Sunflower Seed Butter, Peanut Butter, etc.: This will be your child’s only source of protein when you haven’t been to the grocery store in a while.
Brownie Mix: Because you need a birthday treat or a potluck dessert or a school party snack about every other day.
Barbecue Chips and Candy: Â Because your daughter wrote this on your list and even attempted to mimic your handwriting. You may or may not realize this while you are under the bright lights of the grocery store listening to KC and the Sunshine Band.
Anything your toddler, preschooler, or early elementary child wants: This could range from a Cars-branded sippy cup to a coloring book to Cheeze Whiz to boxed pudding mix. Just put it in the cart. It will be a small price to pay for your sanity and you should not feel guilty if you throw it away in less than 3 days. You can also save it and donate it to the Boy Scouts when they come knocking.
Ketchup: Please only Heinz, however. They know the difference.
Ranch Dressing: Unless you are serving to grown ups, don’t bother making your own. The kids won’t like it any more, and might even hate it and forego the vegetable they were going to dip in it altogether. Buy a reasonably healthy brand and give it to them with the baby carrots. Your vegetable work for the day is done.
Croutons: Will make any child pretend to eat salad.
Amazing Quantities of Yogurt: If you have multiple kids, there will always be one who eats yogurt in disgusting quantities. Let’s call him “Probiotic Man.”
One Frozen Pizza: This will allow you and your husband to get Thai take out and drink too much wine one night this week.
One box of Mac and Cheese: See above. (Sushi and Champagne)
One jar of pasta sauce and some type of pasta: See above. (Indian and Beer)
Bread: This will be important for grilled cheese sandwiches and French Toast — which we all know is the tired, lazy, or hungover mother’s answer to pancakes or waffles.
Clementines: Because seed-fearing kids love these little fuckers.
Ingredients for Fruit Smoothies: Because this makes you feel like a good mother.
Edamame Hummus from Trader Joe’s: Because children can consume amazing quantities of this stuff in very short periods of time.
Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans: For you and only you. Hide them.
Some sort of cracker/cookie shaped like a teddy bear or a bunny or a fish: Any of these will usually do.
Whatever fruit is shown in the suggested serving picture on the front of the cereal box: Certain young children will not be able to eat the Cheerios unless the strawberries that were shown in the picture are also in the bowl.
Pickles: For when they are in a strange pickle eating phase. Then they will hate them, so be sure to recognize when to stop buying them.
Whatever crappy lunch snack their friend packs: You sort of just have to take one for the team here and put the brownie bites in your cart once in a while. Turn your head and cough or something.
Pretzels: Because you think they are healthier than chips, yet you know they sort of suck.
Something to dip the pretzels in: Because they sort of suck, remember?
The largest rolls of toilet paper you can find that will fit on your toilet paper holders: Don’t do this if you enjoy changing the rolls every day.
Children’s Tylenol/Motrin/Benadryl and Pedialyte: This must be in the house when they get sick in the middle of the night. No exceptions.
AA Batteries: No exceptions. (You may personally need C’s or D’s. But why isn’t it rechargeable? It’s 2013!)
